You can't erase the past no matter how much you want to.
That's what I keep thinking of lately when I see and hear all the discussions and interview clips from the last few days with Lance Armstrong. So many have weighed in on what he said, what he didn't say, how he said it. I think in a way, how he said everything gives insight into who he is more than just what he said. You can see how methodical he is even when he speaks. How you do anything is how you do everything. This is a lesson to be learned about ourselves. If how you do something is so wrong on so many levels, at some point you are going to have to pay the piper, look in the mirror and admit to yourself that what you've been doing, how you've been behaving is just one big facade of lies, intentional deceit to a degree only a psychopath could comprehend.
I had no idea how far the ripple of his grip trickled down in the cycling world. I have been a follower of the Tour de France since around the time of Greg LeMond. My brother got into racing when we were kids, and I followed him a bit. I've always loved cycling, it's what made it easy for me to get into triathlons. Listening to how unemotional Lance is when he speaks, even of how this has effected his children, made my skin crawl. I am such a woos, I get emotional at sappy commercials and he barely gets emotional at the idea his son Luke is out there defending him to whomever he comes across. To what expense he has altered people's lives, the lives of his kids knowing their father is a fraud, I am not sure we'll ever really know. So many people had him on a pedestal for soo long and all of it, possibly even before he had cancer was tainted. Oh the wicked webb we weave, the more complicated the lies the harder you have to work to keep it going. I'm sure somewhere in that, is why he wanted to sue people for what he called 'slandering' him, when in reality all they were doing was telling the truth. He must be exhausted! He is a pro at compartmentalizing, shoving everything somewhere no one will ever find it. That's a recipe for disaster, and I unfortunately say that with personal experience. Everyone has there way of dealing with the stuff in life that shakes you. Some let it all out, see a therapist, drink til the wee hours of the next morning, whatever your poison, somehow we all find it. I kind of feel bad for him in a way, because I don't think he really gets it, even now. I don't want to say I sympathize with Lance, but in a weird way, I know how he did it. I, myself, want to squash the nay-Sayers who told me I couldn't do something because I was a girl, because I wasn't fast enough, strong enough, talented enough, whatever not enough. I get it. I just didn't want them to know I wanted to squash them. I just used it as fuel. But Lance is different. It's like 'Revenge' on testosterone!
When you can't erase or run from your past, no matter how much you want to, you deal with it in the only way you know how. His way was athletics. Punish anyone and everyone that came in your way, excel at all costs, never give up. And when someone, anyone, tells you that you're not good enough, you'll never make it, never amount to anything, well that's just mountains of fuel for your fire, burning inside you to prove them all wrong. If you ever read his book, It's Not About The Bike, you'll see it's true. It's not about the bike. It's about his need to make everyone who ever said or did a bad word or thing to him, his mother, his family, his life with no father etc...pay for their disbelief in him by making them eat their words, because in the end, he would win. Now we know for sure that he did it, and at 'no matter the cost'. It was a bit surreal watching him, sort of, tell the truth, in a very round about, cherry picking sort of way. If it doesn't stop to give you pause about what is really important in the end, then you may need to take a few minutes to reflect on what makes you move every day. When I think of why I train and race triathlons, why I had to take a break from it and what was it about racing and training that made me want it back again. It has nothing to do with wining at all costs. I am not at the age or level of a pro, so maybe its a different mindset, and that's a good thing I think. But after the life of a pro, when you move on, what's your legacy, who will you inspire, coach, talk to, train, mentor to unload all your expertise and make others prosper from all the knowledge you have in your head and your heart about whatever sport you have excelled in. What will you do? Why will you do it? Is it all just ego or is it for some greater good, something that you can share in a microscopic way to help someone else rise above some challenge they have had in their life and be better for it because of what you gave them, how you shared with them, how you coached them. Isn't that better than winning? Somewhere in your head, Lance there has to be that idea. Right??
I actually didn't see the 'whole' interview as I don't get the Oprah channel, OWN, but I saw many clips from CNN and Twitter etc...and I not only watched Lance's face, but I looked at Oprah really well too. Having seen her show for oh, 25 years off/on, you sort of know what she's thinking from her facial expressions. She is, even though I don't know her, a person who has delved deep into her own psyche for answers and life lessons of her own and shared some of those with the world. Yet on her face, for me at least, I saw a woman who was in disbelief about what he was saying. The little remorse he expressed in his words. The body language and how was he able to do this for so long, ruin so many lives and he seems to really not be affected by it all. How do you do that, really? I think I saw that on her face. Which for her is big, cuz she's interviewed a ton of people, some of them very 'interesting' people, let's just say that.
So for the people left behind, picking themselves up, starting again, it feels like another Hurricane Sandy went through the cycling world and the ripple effects will be felt for years, the rebuilding will take many years as well I'm sure. But where to start? I have learned over the course of my adult life, that as much as you can, you have to learn to be the cause of your life. Not the affect. This story has affected many of us, regardless of whether Lance Armstrong directly knew us. But at what point do you say, to those who have been directly in his wake, that it's time for it to stop. You need to decide that you'll get up everyday and make a conscious effort to move on, to create something else, something positive and you decide that you are no longer going to let the actions, lack of actions or words from someone else alter your life anymore. You are the creator and cause of what happens to you. You choose the thoughts that enter your head and the words that leave your mouth. You're either going to let someone like Lance Armstrong or the guy in the car who took your spot in the parking lot, you were so patiently waiting for, piss you off so bad that the rest of your day, week, month, year is ruined or your going to move on, call him/her a dumb jackwagon and know that Karma is a Bitch. Whether it's 10 minutes, 10 years or 10 decades, this life or the next, they will get what's coming to them, you can be sure of that.
This lesson came crashing down on my about 10 years ago, February 6, 2002 to be exact. It was a tough day for me. I was told some news that I never thought I would hear. I had an auto-immune disease that would change my life as I knew it and as I thought it would be in the future. It was a tough day, a hard pill to swallow at 33, a triathlete training for a marathon, for an Ironman I would now, never be able to compete in. You change inside when someone tells you that something inside you doesn't work. You keep getting up though, hoping one day you'll feel strong enough for a run or a ride, that you'll be able to fix it, just like you fix everything else. The lucky ones, like me, do find a way. You decide that you are going to be the cause, that you'll look into yourself in a way you haven't done before, realize that you have to talk to people, not just tuck your shit into some dark space inside your body, because your body is going to fill up with all this crap and eventually tell you, it can't take anymore and the workouts aren't enough anymore, there are not enough endorphins to fix it all, you have to do something else. And then you do. You learn your lesson, and you move on to the next one.
December 6, 2002 was a better day for me. I learned that I hadn't gone over the edge completely, there was a life line still hanging around that I grabbed onto and climbed out of a hole. I had some good friends during that time who were compassionate and supportive when I needed it. One of them gave me something that I will pass on to you. I am sure this will never come across Lance Armstrong's computer screen, but if it enlightens someone else along the way, then it's not wasted. He could use it, no doubt, but the work he has to do will only come from inside him. I honestly hope he gets there though, as I think we all need redemption if we truly seek it for the right reasons. Because in the end, there are rules that we have to live by, laws as we call them. Spiritual Laws, Universal Laws, Governmental Laws, you get the idea. Well this is 'Rules for Being Human'. They are not complicated, they are very simple, very basic, yet very hard to get sometimes. This was given to me by my friend, a missed friend, but not forgotten.
1. You Will Receive A Body.
You may like it or hate it but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You Will Learn Lessons
You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid.
3. There Are No Mistakes, Only Lessons
Growth is a process of trial and error: Experimentation. The 'Failed' experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately 'works'.
4. A Lesson Is Repeated Until Learned (this is important)
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning Lessons Does Not End
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" Is No Better Than "Here"
When your "There" has become a "Here" you will simple obtain another "There" that will, again, look better than "Here".
7. Others Are Merely Mirrors Of You (this is important)
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate in yourself.
8. What You Make Of Your Life Is Up To You
You have all the tools and resources you need, what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your Answers Lie Inside You
The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.
10. You Will Forget All Of This!
'keep going. Even when you hit the wall.'
Thanks Charlie! I love you and I miss you buddy.
Caroline / Triathleta
That's what I keep thinking of lately when I see and hear all the discussions and interview clips from the last few days with Lance Armstrong. So many have weighed in on what he said, what he didn't say, how he said it. I think in a way, how he said everything gives insight into who he is more than just what he said. You can see how methodical he is even when he speaks. How you do anything is how you do everything. This is a lesson to be learned about ourselves. If how you do something is so wrong on so many levels, at some point you are going to have to pay the piper, look in the mirror and admit to yourself that what you've been doing, how you've been behaving is just one big facade of lies, intentional deceit to a degree only a psychopath could comprehend.
I had no idea how far the ripple of his grip trickled down in the cycling world. I have been a follower of the Tour de France since around the time of Greg LeMond. My brother got into racing when we were kids, and I followed him a bit. I've always loved cycling, it's what made it easy for me to get into triathlons. Listening to how unemotional Lance is when he speaks, even of how this has effected his children, made my skin crawl. I am such a woos, I get emotional at sappy commercials and he barely gets emotional at the idea his son Luke is out there defending him to whomever he comes across. To what expense he has altered people's lives, the lives of his kids knowing their father is a fraud, I am not sure we'll ever really know. So many people had him on a pedestal for soo long and all of it, possibly even before he had cancer was tainted. Oh the wicked webb we weave, the more complicated the lies the harder you have to work to keep it going. I'm sure somewhere in that, is why he wanted to sue people for what he called 'slandering' him, when in reality all they were doing was telling the truth. He must be exhausted! He is a pro at compartmentalizing, shoving everything somewhere no one will ever find it. That's a recipe for disaster, and I unfortunately say that with personal experience. Everyone has there way of dealing with the stuff in life that shakes you. Some let it all out, see a therapist, drink til the wee hours of the next morning, whatever your poison, somehow we all find it. I kind of feel bad for him in a way, because I don't think he really gets it, even now. I don't want to say I sympathize with Lance, but in a weird way, I know how he did it. I, myself, want to squash the nay-Sayers who told me I couldn't do something because I was a girl, because I wasn't fast enough, strong enough, talented enough, whatever not enough. I get it. I just didn't want them to know I wanted to squash them. I just used it as fuel. But Lance is different. It's like 'Revenge' on testosterone!
I actually didn't see the 'whole' interview as I don't get the Oprah channel, OWN, but I saw many clips from CNN and Twitter etc...and I not only watched Lance's face, but I looked at Oprah really well too. Having seen her show for oh, 25 years off/on, you sort of know what she's thinking from her facial expressions. She is, even though I don't know her, a person who has delved deep into her own psyche for answers and life lessons of her own and shared some of those with the world. Yet on her face, for me at least, I saw a woman who was in disbelief about what he was saying. The little remorse he expressed in his words. The body language and how was he able to do this for so long, ruin so many lives and he seems to really not be affected by it all. How do you do that, really? I think I saw that on her face. Which for her is big, cuz she's interviewed a ton of people, some of them very 'interesting' people, let's just say that.
This lesson came crashing down on my about 10 years ago, February 6, 2002 to be exact. It was a tough day for me. I was told some news that I never thought I would hear. I had an auto-immune disease that would change my life as I knew it and as I thought it would be in the future. It was a tough day, a hard pill to swallow at 33, a triathlete training for a marathon, for an Ironman I would now, never be able to compete in. You change inside when someone tells you that something inside you doesn't work. You keep getting up though, hoping one day you'll feel strong enough for a run or a ride, that you'll be able to fix it, just like you fix everything else. The lucky ones, like me, do find a way. You decide that you are going to be the cause, that you'll look into yourself in a way you haven't done before, realize that you have to talk to people, not just tuck your shit into some dark space inside your body, because your body is going to fill up with all this crap and eventually tell you, it can't take anymore and the workouts aren't enough anymore, there are not enough endorphins to fix it all, you have to do something else. And then you do. You learn your lesson, and you move on to the next one.
December 6, 2002 was a better day for me. I learned that I hadn't gone over the edge completely, there was a life line still hanging around that I grabbed onto and climbed out of a hole. I had some good friends during that time who were compassionate and supportive when I needed it. One of them gave me something that I will pass on to you. I am sure this will never come across Lance Armstrong's computer screen, but if it enlightens someone else along the way, then it's not wasted. He could use it, no doubt, but the work he has to do will only come from inside him. I honestly hope he gets there though, as I think we all need redemption if we truly seek it for the right reasons. Because in the end, there are rules that we have to live by, laws as we call them. Spiritual Laws, Universal Laws, Governmental Laws, you get the idea. Well this is 'Rules for Being Human'. They are not complicated, they are very simple, very basic, yet very hard to get sometimes. This was given to me by my friend, a missed friend, but not forgotten.
1. You Will Receive A Body.
You may like it or hate it but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.
2. You Will Learn Lessons
You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid.
3. There Are No Mistakes, Only Lessons
Growth is a process of trial and error: Experimentation. The 'Failed' experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately 'works'.
4. A Lesson Is Repeated Until Learned (this is important)
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning Lessons Does Not End
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "There" Is No Better Than "Here"
When your "There" has become a "Here" you will simple obtain another "There" that will, again, look better than "Here".
7. Others Are Merely Mirrors Of You (this is important)
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate in yourself.
8. What You Make Of Your Life Is Up To You
You have all the tools and resources you need, what you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your Answers Lie Inside You
The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.
10. You Will Forget All Of This!
'keep going. Even when you hit the wall.'
Thanks Charlie! I love you and I miss you buddy.
Caroline / Triathleta
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